It did not start with you !
Am I not responsible for my responses and actions? Where did I get this personality from ? Where did I get the fear from, the belief systems of what is right and what is wrong, the doubts on myself of not being able to trust without proof, the lack of confidence that I am worthy of being chosen? Who gave all this to me who taught me to act a certain way in a certain situation & who told me to differentiate between right and wrong? Where did it even all start?
Maybe it was told to me by my parents, my ancestors, my experiences with the people who I mirrored, the behaviors that I picked up from people who I liked and disliked, the people who I found 'Home' in or the people who disliked me without any reason.
The more I think about it the more I know that it is not only me. There was a part of me that exists from no one knows when. The part that I have been caring in my soul‘s DNA, not just from this life not just from these encounters that I am facing today but from a Lifetime that I don’t remember and I’m so sure they are carrying mine too.
The pain, the betrayal, the sadness and the grief that I feel is not recent. It’s embedded in me from many lives, I am relieving them again because my soul is trapped and immature. In this life, maybe I am choosing to have an opportunity to make myself whole and complete through getting familiar with my pain and wounds.
The tendencies that make me myself are in my consciousness and in my awareness. Every moment I have a choice to break free from those the stories ! The doubts those were instilled upon me that I’m not worthy of love and that I have to protect myself because no one will !! That my actions should not hurt anyone !! People always choose you for their own benefits and when you stop giving them what they need they can drop you without any guilt !! Why do I always get misunderstood?
Maybe I’m carrying all these stories knowingly or unknowingly but what is so surprising is that life will give you experiences to confirm your wounds. Some would look at these experiences in the eye and tell it that you don’t matter anymore, whereas some would find comfort in never talking about it. Some would escape out of the situation and someone would remain in that situation and be a victim. In this flight or fight situations also, we are acting from our tendencies, belief systems, thought patterns and emotions. In most situations, these emotions are from you subconscious mind.
When you fail to recognize your tendencies, they become stronger and take over you, masking your real self behind a thick mask and let you stay in a shell which has thorns outside, which are more likely to hurt your loved ones and your environment
But just recognizing and acknowledging your tendencies is not enough conscious effort is needed to break free from it, which can only happen when you execute your free will or until your soul contract is over, ultimately merging into a divine timing.
It’s such a chaos, but the order underneath the chaos the chain reaction that I exist and there is the life within me is Tao! The Tao of dying and Tao of Living !
